I'm so glad you're here! I hope you enjoy. (:
My whole life I went to church. When I was in first or second grade I decided I was going to be the kid that didn't like going to class. I loved learning about Jesus and I LOVED worship but I didn't like the chaos of being in an elementary class. I was a lot more mature than kids my age. I wanted to learn about Jesus and the Bible, not play games. I know, boring right?
Don't get me wrong I went to all the Vacation Bible Schools and Summer camps. A summer camp in third grade is actually when I decided to give my life to Jesus! I remember that moment like it was yesterday. I also got baptized when I was 11 on Easter of 2014. But, just recently I started truly living for the Lord.
My whole life I've been a people pleaser and I have a huge heart for others. I always wanted people to like me, I wanted to help people, and I wanted to make people smile. A lot of the times, okay every time, I let this trait get the best of me. Mostly in the area of friendships. I put everything I had into friendships instead of into God and always forgot about myself too. I ended up in this vicious cycle of making friends, losing myself and then losing those friends. So, I ended up broken but never talked about it. I just thought there was something wrong with me and that I was the issue so I was too embarrassed to talk about it.
This is where I learned to push down sadness and quickly became insecure about every part of myself, other than my humor. So, what did other people see? My humor. And what do most people see when they see a teenage girl making people laugh who has never brought up anything about being lost and sad? They see a girl who is happy and silly.
This cycle was just continuous for probably six years of my life.
I went to a kindergarten through eight grade school. For nine years of my life I was surrounded by mostly the same people. This was probably the most toxic thing I have experienced. I don't think I saw Jesus in this school one time until I got to seventh grade. Going to a place daily filled with almost no one who knew Jesus was not the right thing for me. I'm the kind of person that needs a community. But, in seventh grade a light showed up in all the darkness. My math teacher was actually someone who I went to church with. I didn't have a relationship with him from church, but when I was in his classroom I felt this kind of safety. And I definitely latched onto that. This man was the most genuine person. We eventually developed a relationship that was more friends than teacher and student. We talked about church, life, soccer, baseball, and just laughed. He'd show me the verse of the day from the Bible app every single day. His classroom became my home in a place I never thought I'd feel truly safe and accepted. And that is something I will forever be grateful for. I know this was a gift from God and it was one I know I needed. At this point (8th grade) I was going to the same church but wasn't involved in the youth ministry at all anymore because my youth pastors had just left and they were the only reasons I went. But, when he saw me at church he'd encourage me to go because he knew I needed it. And I went! He always encouraged me to look to God and be the person I truly am. He'd call me out when I wasn't acting right, he'd cheer me up when I was upset, and he would speak truth to me when I was feeling overwhelmed. And that is what I needed in my life.
In seventh and eight grade I was bullied. I'm not gonna go too deep into it because it was a huge mess and I don't want it to look like I'm searching for sympathy because I'm not, it needed to happen. But here's a short little overview. I found out from someone, who I wouldn't have considered a friend, that some of my "best friends" were not speaking very nice things about me behind my back. And when I confronted them it made them think it was okay to do it to my face. I was being called a whale, fat, huge, and probably a bunch of other things that I'm not even aware of. Yes, I cried and I cried and I thought extremely lowly of myself. And to this day the word whale will randomly float through my head. But so much good came out of it. At this point I could literally look at the people who said those things and thank them. This was one of the first times that I told someone what I was experiencing, which was a huge thing for me. I don't remember exactly how it went down but I remember sitting on the couch and balling with my mom. But, up until recently I never dealt with it. For a really long time I absolutely hated myself and I hated the way I looked. I started to believe them. I was truly hurting and seriously not okay. I lost friends who I had been close with since preschool and kindergarten and felt so alone. I let satan win for a while.
Not long after all that we moved to the church that my youth pastors started which is the Church I am at now. I went to church every Sunday. Served in our church nursery almost every week. Babysat for all sorts of small groups. And was super involved in our youth group. I was at youth group pretty much every week unless I had soccer practice. I ended up being a youth leader! My youth pastor who is a good friend of mine saw the leader in me and pretty much said girl you're doing it and trust me you have what it takes. And I knew I was a leader, my whole life I was in leadership roles because of soccer. Leadership was something that I enjoyed and that came naturally to me. But, I had this feeling in my stomach. I felt kind of scared and guilty. I was concerned that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't in a place where I wanted to be with God. God knew that. And he put me in that position for a reason. That's where I needed to be. I started working on my relationship with the Lord more that I had in awhile.
Fast forward to youth camp 2019, the summer between my sophomore and junior year in high school. This camp CHANGED MY LIFE. I made incredible friendships with people I never thought I would actually be friends with. I found some of my "people". Every time I go to camp I get so touched by the presence of the Lord. This camp was like one I had never been to before. Worship hit hard. Every single thing we talked about I needed to hear. And I always leave with something that resonated with me in a big way. This time it was friendships. God showed me that it's okay for people to leave, it's okay to leave people, and that it's okay to set boundaries for yourself. And we'll come back to that.
After camp everything was good! I was closer to God than I had been in a long time. I felt confident in myself.
On February 3, 2020- "US Declares Public Health Emergency The Trump administration declares a public health emergency due to the coronavirus outbreak.
March 8th I played my last soccer game.
March 12th I went to my last day of High School.
No soccer, no school, no church, no prom, no gym, and almost no friends. I was so lost and confused. I hated the world I was living in.
I didn't watch church, I was drowning in school, and I was not happy with life. I lost motivation to workout. I lost contact with all but one of my friends. (I did do lots of crafts though and made a lost of memories I will cherish forever.)
August 19th I interviewed to be a recruit in the academy for Lane Fire Authorities Volunteer program. I had no confidence in myself and didn't think I was going to get in.
Covid helped me decide to graduate high school early! I took my last test for high school in the beginning of September.
September 23rd my best friend left for college.
I started my first term of college not long after that.
October 4th I had my first day of firefighting academy! (Oh yeah, guys I got in! But, I'm guessing you probably already knew that from my last post!)
October 9th I got my wisdom teeth removed.
October 30th I turned 18! And I voted for the first time!
December 1st I opened up my bible again. (Spoiler- this is when things started to change.)
December 11th I finished my first term of college.
December 13th I passed my physical exam for fire academy! I failed the written portion. I got a 78% and needed an 80%. I knew I didn't pass as soon as I turned in the exam. They didn't even have to tell me. I was given the opportunity to test again and I passed with a 96%. You're probably thinking - Why is she telling us this? Why didn't she just say she passed? Because then I wouldn't be able to tell you the sense of calmness I felt from the lord when I left the station that night as a failure. No I'm not saying to be okay with being a failure. I was not okay with it, I was very disappointed in myself. I got home and I read my bible. And I prayed and over and over again all I heard was "I have you". (And then I made a 100 flashcards and studied with my mom. Thank you mom!!) The whole time I took the test the first time I was worrying that I wasn't good enough. When you have God you are capable of anything you set your mind to and I needed to be reminded of that. The second time I brought God with me. I went in with the mindset that everything happens for a reason (I live by this). I felt calm because I knew that if I didn't pass it was because this isn't where I was supposed to be and that God had different plans. But, I did it, I passed.
December 19th I had my first shift at the station!
December 24th I spent time with my family and met my niece for the first time!
December 25th I spent Christmas at the fire station!
December 27th I went back to Church, for the first time in 9 months!
January 4th I started my second term of college.
January 6th I started this blog. (I'll talk more about this in another post!)
So from all that life seems pretty great and eventful right? No, there was a lot going on behind the scenes.
Something I didn't mention before was that before the 2019 youth camp I became friends with someone who I played soccer with and went to school with. We just clicked. Everything came so naturally. We laughed, cried, danced, and everything else together. Her and her family became my second family. I spent countless hours at their house. I didn't have to knock. She was my person. Like I said September 23rd she left for college. That was hard. Definitely was not prepared for that. It's hard having someone who lives five minutes from you who you spent almost every day together for a year leave. Once she left things did't go well. We argued and fought and I cried a lot (almost everyday). But things inevitably got worse and long story short we kinda just went our separate ways and stopped talking. We moved into different stages of our lives and couldn't find a way to make it work. That was hard for me. Felt a lot of pain and a lot of emotion. This was the most broken I had ever been. When most people asked I told them I was fine Or I'd say it's not easy. But not once did I cry about it in front of anyone. I was broken. I was lost. And I was so confused. I couldn't understand how caring about someone more than you had ever cared about anyone wasn't enough. I knew that no one could explain why or understand what I was feeling and I had nowhere to go. So I finally went to God. I spent countless hours sitting and balling to worship music. And I'm not even embarrassed about it because it's what I needed.
This is where the 2019 youth camp take away comes in. I quickly realized that I was going to be so much better off. Not because I didn't care about her because that’s not true at all. I still love and care about her. But, I was able to realize that I can walk away from people if I need to. I opened up an opportunity to focus on myself, my relationship with the lord, my school, and fire fighting. I learned to find contentment and happiness in myself and with the Lord instead of relying on other people who are capable of hurting me.
I spent my whole life worried about what other people thought, I spent my whole life in fear, I spent my whole life not knowing what to do when I felt big emotions. I've thought scary things, I've thought about if people would miss me if I was gone, and I've always been worried that I will never be good enough. And losing my best friend again was the tip of the iceberg. I didn't want to fall into sadness and live in darkness again. I knew I deserved better than letting myself go again. I knew I wasn't going to be able to do it on my own and that I probably would have given up. So I started reading my bible again.
Mid November I saw this tik Tok about joining a Marco Polo (which is a video chat app kind of thing where you send videos back and forth) that was for christians. I was kind of skeptical at first but then something inside of me said I needed to. So, I did. I felt like I could be myself. Hundreds of people joined this but there were certain people that stood out to me. I ended up making a group chat on snap chat with some of the people and then made another one with only five of us. We started to get to know each other and talked a lot about our experiences and things and I instantly knew why I felt called to being a part of this community. First off it encouraged me to work on my relationship with the Lord. And second, leadership. I see myself in every single one of those girls in one way or another. I'm there so that they have someone to talk to who knows what they're dealing with!
I saw another tik tok about a challenge called the 24 days of Luke. So, I just did it. It talked about fear, peace, obedience, God knowing each person, Jesus healing, and so much more. But I got so much more from it than that. I got this incredible desire to be in the presence of the Lord. I read my bible in a way I never had before. The desire I had to learn about Jesus in elementary school was finally starting to be fulfilled. I felt God's presence. Things started to change. I stared to change.
I wasn't crying every single day anymore.
I smiled and laughed and it wasn't fake.
I started forgiving people I never thought that I would forgive.
I started to find who I was in Christ rather than the world and I realized how much of a hypocrite I was being.
I was telling all these people that they are worthy of being loved and that they are beautifully made in the image of God and that they needed to start believing that. I didn't even believe this about me. I still hadn't gotten over being called a whale. I thought I wasn't good enough and that no guy would ever like me because of how my body looked. I still felt like I was nothing because so many people had left. But that all changed when I put my worth into the Lord instead of the world.
So to answer the question I've been getting asked: "What made you decide to go all in?" My answer is: over and over again God saved me. The biggest thing I can give him in return is myself. My second answer is, I want God to use me, I want to make a difference, and I want to help people. I want God to use my pain, struggles, and my past to help others. I know life is hard and I know you can get into darkness so dark that you can't find your way out. I want to be someone's light in the darkness. I want to talk about the hard stuff that no one wants to bring up. Because deep down I know that someone will hear my story and know that there is a way out!
There it is, a condensed version of my journey with God! There are definitely parts that I could have went into in way more depth but didn't for your sake. So, if you have any questions at all or just want to chat use the link on the home page to message me on instagram or if you know me personally just snap me!!
Also just wanted to say that I added a link to my Spotify that has some good christian playlists!
Thank you all for your support! I love you all!
Peace Out,
Maddie (;
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